


Ass Effect

by TheTimeTravellingHufflepuff



Series: 30 Days Of Shenko [6]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I blame Shepard for it, I'm also very sorry about the terrible title, I'm sorry about the gratuitous mention of Horizon, M/M, Silly, Too much talk about asses, but i had to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 16:32:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17512061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimeTravellingHufflepuff/pseuds/TheTimeTravellingHufflepuff
Summary: "How come we’re still talking about asses when I asked you to stop saying that word?"





	Ass Effect

It was customary, since they became roommates six years ago, that John and Kaidan hosted Christmas dinner in their apartment for both of their families. It made sense since both had so few relatives. Well, in the last year and a half, John had acquired a brother-in-law and a niece, but Kaidan’s and his own family members combined – them included – only equated to seven people. So, yeah, they still celebrate together.

John often joked that Kaidan had been lucky that it was him and not Jane who needed a roommate all those years ago, because she was abysmal in a kitchen and quite dangerous with a frying pan – at least, she found a not-so-bad-at-cooking husband, even if James was a bit obsessed with eggs – John, on the other hand, was far from being a bad cook. Though, not as good as Kaidan was; especially when it came to steak.

So, it was Christmas again, and the two men were busy preparing the feast they had planned, joking around as usual.

“So what? You left her there and just went back to work?”, smiled John.

“You didn’t see her, John. She was... aggressive.”

“She likes you. A lot. Or she just loves your ass, I don’t know.”

“Well, I don’t like her. Though she does have a nice ass, herself.”

“See! Lawson and you are perfect for each other. A pair of asses lovers admiring each other asses. You could talk all day about asses and touch your asses all night long.”

“Please stop saying ‘ass’, John. You ass.”

“Well, can I talk about Lawson’s tits instead? I’d talk about yours but you’re kinda lacking in that department.”, laughed John.

“What if we forgot entirely about Miranda? As I already told you, she doesn’t interest me.”

“Is that because of that Rahna chick? You have to move on, man. It’s been two years.”

“Nah, doesn’t have anything to do with her. I just don’t like Miranda that way. I’m not even sure I like her in any way.”

“Except for her ass?”

“Except for her ass. I’m jealous of it. It’s so round and tight-looking.”

“Don’t be; yours is better. Mind, it’s not as great as Cortez’s – remember him?”

“That guy from the garage you worked at, last year of uni?”

“Yeah, him. Man, that ass was something else.”

“Yes, it was.”

“Kaidan! Did you and Cortez have a thing behind my back?”, joked John.

“Yeah, it’s called commiserate with an acquaintance over John Shepard’s antics. Also, I have eyes; obviously, I couldn’t miss Steve Cortez’s most alluring asset. Anyway, how come we’re still talking about asses when I asked you to stop saying that word?”

“Because it’s a wonderful subject of conversation?”

“Maybe on some occasion, like at a frat boy party, but not while two grown-up man are trying to cook a Christmas dinner for their families that are bound to arrive soon. Speaking of, when is Jane’s plane landing? I guess you’ll have to pick her, James and Ash up.”, asked Kaidan.

“Nah, they’ll take a taxi and come here directly from the airport. They should be here in... maybe half an hour? Maybe less.”

“Good, I’d hate to lose my kitchen clerk.”

“I’m not the clerk, you’re the clerk, you ass.”

“What have I said about that word?”

“Sorry, what I meant was: ‘you’re the clerk, you dick’.”

“That’s better. But it’s Mister Dick to you.”

“More like ‘Major Dick’.”

“I would make a great Major.”

“Missing the point, dearie.”

“Go back to your mashed potatoes, Commander Smart-Ass.”

“Why am I only a Commander? And why can you use the ‘a’ word?”

“You’re only a Commander ‘cause you’re the clerk. Be happy I didn’t make you a Lieutenant and that Jane didn’t hear you badmouthing her rank. Also, as your superior, I can use whatever word I chose. Understood, soldier?”

“Yay, yay, sir, Major Dick, sir!”

John mock-saluted Kaidan and went back to mash the sweet potatoes, smiling.

“Seriously, though, you need to find someone, man. Probably not Lawson, but, what about that new girl? The Japanese one. I saw her checking you out the other day.”

“Who? Kasumi?”

“Yeah.”

“Nah.  Bad idea, believe me. I mean, I don’t have anything against her, but I heard she lost her fiancé not even six months ago. I’m not keen on being the rebound for a heartbroken widow.”

“What about Jack? She’s hot.”

“And absolutely psychotic. No way I ever try anything with her.”

“There’s still me.”, said John seriously after a couple of minutes.

“What?”

John continued mashing the potatoes, not looking at Kaidan who was gaping at him.

“I’m still available.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I... No, forget it.”

“John?”

“Leave it, Kaidan.”

Kaidan gently forced John to turn and face him.

“Eh. Look at me.”

John sighed and lifted his eyes to meet Kaidan’s.

“Seriously, Kaidan. Leave it. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Yes, you know. Why haven’t you said anything before?”

Only silence answered Kaidan’s question.

“Why, John?”

“Because... Because I don’t want you to push me away. I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend.”

“I would never push you away.”

“Not even if I was supposedly dead for two years and suddenly came back as if nothing had happened?”

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about but no. I’d just be happy to see you alive and well.”

“Not even if when I came back, I was working with terrorists; but just because they were the one to have resurrected me and also the only hope for humanity to survive?”

“You need to stop playing video games. And stop trying to change the subject and talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Were you serious?”

“About what? The terrorists resurrecting me?”

“John!”

“Yeah... Yes, I was serious. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear but...”

“Shut up, John.”

“See, that’s exactly what I...”

John was forced to stop talking when Kaidan pull him by his sweater and kissed him suddenly. John stood frozen for a couple of seconds before responding to the kiss, his hands clutching Kaidan’s henley. When the kiss ended, his friend – lover? – rested his forehead against his, sighing softly.

“You should have said something earlier.”

“Judging by how you kissed me, you could have too.”

“I could have, yeah... I guess we’re a couple of dumbasses with communication’s problems.”

“Again with the asses... And I lied earlier. Your ass is better than Cortez’s.”

“Yours’s not that bad either.”

Kaidan’s hands travelled down to said ass as he kissed John one more time.

“Pay up, Vega!”, came Jane’s voice from the entry door. “I told you they were totally screwing each other.”

“¡Maldita sea! You pendejos couldn’t keep it in your pants?”, exclaimed James, laughter colouring his voice.

“Not doing that yet, unfortunately. You can keep your money for now, James. But I’m sure we’ll soon rectify that. Probably tonight.”, answered John as he ended the kiss and looked at his twin and her family.

“Don’t need the details, you ass!”, smiled Jane as brother and sister met and hugged.

“I’m not the one betting on my twin’s sex life. Call it payback. And don’t use the ‘a’ word, Kaidan forbade it.”

“I just forbade _you_ to use it. Jane can call you an ass all she wants. After all, it’s only the truth.”

“I love you too.”

“Do you?”

“You know I do.”

“I do too.”


End file.
